Who is inside Your Fence?

Often when couples get married, it is difficult for the spouses to leave the comfort of their home life and cleave unto their spouse.  Mom and Dad used to offer protection, advice, everything you needed.  Now you are commanded to cleave unto your spouse and none else.

This is often a difficult line for many couples to trod- how much time do I spend with in-laws vs. my spouse and what boundaries do we need to establish?

I liked from our reading the analogy of an invisible fence.

"The first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up. One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity. It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside an invisible fence. 

They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence- not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law."

I think it is important for couples to remember this concept that they are now their own family, and they need to establish their own boundaries and separate themselves from the outside world, including extended family. This can be hard at first if in-laws get upset or offended, but if you express to them the reasoning behind it is to strengthen your relationship with your spouse, they will more likely understand and respect your decision.  If they do not respect your decision, then you still need to create these boundaries regardless of their reaction to strengthen the bond of your marriage and have a healthy relationship.

Equal Partners

Who wears the pants in your relationship?

This is such a common phrase that is often joked around about, but sometimes people are serious about this topic.  People may be lighthearted when saying comments like these, but they may truly take pride in having dominance over their spouse in the relationship.

 

When we look at how the Lord would have us treat our partners, He would have us treat them as equals.  God created Adam and Eve as helpmeets for each other, so that one could not exist without the other.  They are there to help each other and serve each other as equals, not one is better or more important than the other.

 

Excerpts from Who is the Boss: Power Relationships in Families describes how the husband and wife relationship should be.

 

"Remember that neither the wife nor the husband is the slave of the other.  Husbands and wives are equal partners, particularly Latter-day Saint husbands and wives (Marion G. Romney,Ensign, March 1978, pp. 2–4).

Remember, brethren, that in your role as leader in the family, your wife is your companion. As President Gordon B. Hinckley has taught: 'In this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are coequals.' Since the beginning, God has instructed mankind that marriage should unite husband and wife together in unity.  Therefore, there is not a president or a vice president in a family. The couple works together eternally for the good of the family. They are united together in word, in deed, and in action as they lead, guide, and direct their family unit. They are on equal footing (L. Tom Perry, Ensign, May 2004p. 71)."

 

Husbands and wives have distinct divine roles in the family, but that does not mean that they are unequal in their importance to the family unit.  Husbands may work for the financial support of the family, and mothers may raise and nurture the children, but both efforts are equal and neither spouse should hold power over the other in any decision making.

 

Families are most successful when based upon the teachings of Jesus Christ as well, so it is also important that when a husband and wife make decisions, TOGETHER, they include Christ in the decision making process and include Him in their family counsel.  

Stay Loyal

The biggest thing I took away this week was the importance of staying true and loyal to our partners.  Nobody goes out looking for an affair of any kind, they always start out innocently and think nothing will come about from it.  

 

Sometimes an affair doesn't even have to be physical or sexual, it can be completely emotional.  Whenever we are giving our HEARTS to someone other than our spouse, we are committing an emotional affair.  That is not what God intended when He commanded us to cleave unto our spouse and none else.  

 

Whenever we put anyone or anything above our spouse, we have already committed adultery in our hearts.  Wow.  What a powerful statement.

 

I think that to some extent we have all committed adultery then.  When we are mad at our spouses, it can be really easy to think about an imaginary boyfriend who would always clean the dishes or pick up their clothes.  We can fantasize about the "Ideal husband or wife," all day long, but this is only damaging our relationship with our own spouse, who is real and loves us and committed their life to us, imperfections and all.

 

I know that daydreaming is innocent sometimes and we all do it on occasion, but from this day forward I will try to do less of it.  I am committing my heart, with the help of God, to my husband and trying to love him completely, flaws and all.  

 

Being loyal isn't always physical-being loyal is a matter of the heart.  Would you be faithful to your spouse if we could see the inner workings of your heart?

Charity is a Change of Heart

In our readings, a change of heart is the biggest solution to a better marriage.  At the end of the day, you can go to therapy sessions, read books, consult bishops, etc. but all of that help in your marriage means nothing if you do not experience a change of heart.

 

What is a change of heart?  Experiencing a change of heart involves having charity a part of your everyday life and having the gift of Christ-like love towards all those you know, especially your spouse.

 

What can we do to experience a change of heart?  

 

A story of a woman that was miserable in her marriage comes from Wallace Goddard's book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. 

 

"She and her husband tought regularly. She got to the point where she neither loved him nor liked him. She felt trapped.  She could have miserable singleness or miserable marriage. She prayed. A new thought came to mind. She could stay, love her husband, and be happy.

 

Unfortunately, her best efforts to conjure up some love for her husband were fruitless. She did nice things for him-but he didn't notice. After three weeks of sincere effort, nothing was better. She begged God to change her husband. God invited her to change herself. Having already given her best effort, she didn't know what else to do, but continued to pray for help. In Gospel Doctrine Class the answer came as they read Mormon's invitation to pray with all the energy of heart for charity.

 

She began trying to see her husband as Jesus saw him. And she felt invited to look for the good in him. At first this was very hard. Although she found it much more natural to catalogue his faults, she started looking for his positive qualities.

 

She began to realize that her husband wasn't the big jerk she had thought him to be. He head many wonderful traits that had been overlooked or forgotten. Then came a second blessing. In the absense of nagging, her husband started dropping many of the bad habits she had pestered him about.

 

Though their relationship had improved, she still felt no love for her husband. She prayed more earnestly. She reports that one day she looked across the table at him, and suddenly, was filled with an intense love for him. Tears filled her eyes. She suddenly saw him as her eternal companion, whom she loved more than words could express. She felt his infinite worth and wondered how she had ever overlooked it. She sensed the Savior's love for him.

 

That is the blessing we all seek. It is the Heavenly gift that changes everything."

 

 

When we pray for a change of heart, and ask God to allow us to see our spouse as He sees them, we experience increased love and charity. It is an incredible change, and although it does not happen overnight and includes hard work like mentioned in the story above, God will bless you with the love to see your spouse with Christ-like love once again.

 

Are you Up for the Challenge?

While reading in Wallace Goddard's book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, a challenge was posed to all those who were reading.

 

 "Are you willing to try a 30-day experiment? For 30 days are you willing to show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner?  Are you willing to set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best efforts in your partner? Rather than count the cost, will you consider seeing the investment as Paul did?"

 Can you imagine the difference you could make in your marriage, or any relationship, when you start showing nothing but kindness and appreciation?  Can you imagine the shift in attitude when you set aside complaints for appreciation and gratitude?  What a powerful challenge, and a difficult one, but I think it has the power to change any relationship.

 

I want to take on this challenge because I think it has the power to change attitudes, hearts, and heal relationships.  Often times we get "stuck in a rut" in our relationships, or find ourselves complaining to our partners, or thinking of what they are doing wrong.  

 

When we start to change OUR attitude and behavior (after all, we can only change ourselves), we will start to see a powerful shift in behavior in our partner.  When we express to our partner what they are doing RIGHT instead of WRONG, we will have an increase of love in the relationship.  When we tell them we love so and so about them instead of get on them about doing this, we will see them in a better more positive light.  

 

Gratitude has the power to change everything, and I am willing to take on this challenge.  I don't think it will be easy by any means, and I am sure I will have some slip-ups, but I will pray for a changed heart and heart full of gratitude.  I think that with the help of the Lord and a new attitude of positivity, the whole dynamic of my marriage will change into a loving, nurturing, positive, grateful, supportive, charitable, consecrated marriage.

Now the only question is, are YOU up for the challenge?!

Humility and Repentance

Humility and repentance are essential elements to any relationship, but especially in a marriage relationship.  When I first got married, I had a hard time accepting the fact that my opinion and view points were not always right.  However, after two years of marriage, many arguments (that could have been avoided with repentance and humility) and wise words of advice, I have learned that it is best to be humble when coming into a marriage.  

 

When we are forgiving and loving towards our spouse, and realize that they come from a different background and have their own points of view, it is more conducive to a healthy and loving relationship.  As we learned from our readings this week, a happy marriage involves two good forgivers.

 

I think that this is an excellent principle to live by.  When you live with someone, as you do in a marriage, everything they do, all their habits and quirks suddenly become very noticeable as opposed to when you were dating.  What you once thought was cute and charming can now seem annoying and irritating beyond words.

 

However, when we live with humility and repentance, we can learn that the problem is not them, it is our attitude.  If we would have an attitude of humility and love, accepting the atonement into our lives, we would learn to let the little things slide and serve our spouse rather than criticize them. 

What Jesus Touches, Lives

My favorite concept from reading Drawing Heaven into your Marriage by Wallace Goddard was an excerpt from President Howard W. Hunter.

"Whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives.  If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives.  If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives."

What a simple, yet beautiful concept.  Whatever Jesus touches, it lives.  Jesus has the power to make marriages live and bless all marriages and families.  It reminds me of the story of the woman who wants to be healed by Christ and reaches out from the crowd to touch the hem of His garments to be healed.

This woman had faith that by simply touching the hem of Christ's garment that she would be healed. She was right- everything that Christ touches, or everything that we let Christ touch, heals.

When we are sealed in the temple of God, and make sacred covenants with our spouse for time and for all eternity, we are entering those covenants not only with our spouse but with Christ as well.  Isn't that a great feeling, to know that we have the Great Healer as a third-party in our marriage?

When one spouse is struggling and going through trials, and has seemingly given up, there is still hope in the marriage because the other spouse and Christ are still hanging on.  Everything Christ touches lives.  When we let Christ into our marriage and allow the atonement into our relationship, it will revive and grow stronger.  Things may seem tough and irreparable, but nothing is past repairing through the atonement.  We need to have faith in our covenants and have faith that Christ can heal what has been broken.

There have been times in my marriage when things were hard and it felt like giving up would be the easiest option, but I had a wonderful friend, or a lifesaver, remind me that there is power in temple covenants.  She reminded me at a tremendously difficult time in my life that things may look bad now, but Christ was working in our marriage and because we had made sacred covenants there was eternal blessings and help from on high for us.

I know that there is power in covenants, and that when things are hard the Savior is there to support your marriage and family because He loves you and wants you to have joy.  His eternal plan is all about families and marriage, and He created man that we might have joy.  When things seem tough, know that there is hope and rely on the Savior and your covenants, for there is tremendous power in them.

Add More Light

Dr. John Gottman writer of, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that the antidote to contempt is fondness and admiration.  He says that it is possible for your fondness and admiration to recede to barely detectable levels and still be revivable.

The key to doing this?  We need to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate in your partner.  Then, when you find those positive qualities you need to let your partner know that you recognize them and are grateful for them.  They can be small, simple thoughts such as, "thank you for taking out the trash," or, "I appreciate you going to work today."

When we focus on being grateful, there is less room for negativity in our lives.

This actually reminds me of something that my mother-in-law has taught me.  She told me that when I was going through a really difficult trial in my life, that I needed to add more light into my life.  She said that I needed to add all the light I could, and that the more light I added the less room there would be for darkness.  That makes sense, right?  More light=less dark.  Let's apply this to Gottman's theory.

When you add light, or positive thinking and gratitude towards your spouse, there will be less room for darkness, or negative thinking towards your spouse, otherwise known as contempt.  Easier said than done right?

What if it is hard for us to find things that we enjoy about our spouse?  What if we are past the point of being able to recognize what they are doing right?

Gottman has a 7-week course designed to improve your positive thinking.  For every day for the seven weeks, there is a positive thought and you are supposed to rehearse it to yourself throughout the day.

 The more you get in the habit of saying these positive things, the more you train your brain to recognize the positive things about your spouse.  The more you do this, the more habitual it becomes and you are on your way to appreciating your spouse and increasing your fondness for them.

I know that it is not always easy to appreciate our spouse and at times it seems like they do nothing right.  But I also know that showing gratitude increases love and even saying prayers that Heavenly Father can help us feel love can work miracles.

Be a Good Samaritan in your Marriage

How can we have a happy marriage in this day and age when divorce seems to be skyrocketing?  Everywhere we go, it seems that divorce is the answer to all our problems.  If you don't like someone, just divorce them and the problem goes away.  This is not the answer, however, in fact those that divorce often find deeper issues and sorrow after the papers are signed and furniture is divided.

 According to Wallace Goddard, the answer to a happy marriage is to bring Heavenly help into your marriage.  Wallace Goddard gives a beautiful description of the descent of a traveler from Jerusalem to Jericho.  He connects that traveler to each of us, and says that the descent is like the descent from Heaven to hellish trials or paths.

We often fall from Heaven's grace into times of temptation and trial. While on the path to Jericho, this traveler is wounded and injured by thieves.  Many passers come by this man, a priest, a Levite and a Samaritan.  The only one to help the traveler is the Samaritan.

He likens this parable to all of us in our marriages.  Do we look at our spouse and blame them for their errors, saying, "I told you so," or, "You are hurt because you shouldn't have done that?" 

Do we look at the wounded and pass by without helping them because we feel they deserve what was coming for them?

Or do we help them without judgement, serving without any hesitance?  Do we come prepared with oil and wine to heal their wounds and give them aid?

In marriage, there are many situations when you can point fingers and find blame.  However, that only brings contention and resentment.  Contention is of the devil and does not bring harmonious and loving feelings into a marriage.  It is the natural man that wants to say, "I told you so," to their spouse, but what good does that do for either partner?  It leaves both spouses feeling hurt and empty.

Rather than judging and seeking blame, or deciding whether someone "deserves" aid, be like the good Samaritan and simply rescue your spouse.  Come prepared with an open heart and open arms to your partner and say, "How can I help you?"

Marriage is not about keeping tallies or scores of who did what or getting even with each other.  That is not how Christ designed marriages to be and not how He would have them.  Happiness is most likely to occur when we serve each other and have pure Christ-like charity towards one another without thought of recognition or repayment.

Contract vs. Covenant

What is the difference between a Covenant marriage and a contractual marriage?

Bruce C. Hafen describes the difference in his talk, "Covenant Marriage."

"Another bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, 'Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!' 'Yes,' replied her mother, 'but at which end?' When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."

Covenant marriages are long suffering, charitable, eternal, forgiving, selfless, and loving.  Contractual marriages are selfish, "till death do us part."  Or it seems to be more like, "till problems do us part," in this day and age.  Marriages are easier to end than ever before now thanks to no fault divorce laws.  All a couple has to do is say they are no longer in love or they are just no longer compatible with their partner.  Covenant marriages work through problems and grow closer together through trials.  Contractual marriages flee at the first sight of any dysfunction.

Bruce C. Hafen also describes the beautiful example of Christ versus the hireling watching over a flock of sheep.  A hireling is exactly what it sounds like, someone who was hired to watch over a flock of sheep.  They have no attachments to the flock, no emotional ties.  They are simply doing a job for payment.  When a wolf comes to the flock, how likely do you think it is that the hireling would flee?  I would bet very likely.  They wouldn't risk their life for just a job.  Christ on the other hand would lay his life down just for one sheep.  He would leave the whole flock to find one lost sheep and bring it back to the fold.  Much like the hireling, contractual marriages flee when the wolves come.  Covenant marriages are patterned after Christ, they sacrifice and lay down their lives so to speak for the one sheep, or their spouse.  Wolves may come, and when they do, they stick together and turn to God for strength in their marriage.

I want my marriage to be patterned after Christ's example of watching over the flock of sheep.  I want to be selfless in my marriage and think of my husband and his needs above my own.  When the wolves come, and they certainly do, I want to be fortified with the power of God through our covenants we made in the temple.  I think we can fortify our home through temple attendance, family prayer, family home evening, and other such activities that will bring a spirit of Christ into our marriage.

Wolves definitely come, it is not a question it is a part of life here on earth.  However, we can seek strength and protection at the temple.  I love going to the temple with my husband because the spirit there is so sweet and we can renew our sacred covenants we made on our wedding day.  Going to the temple gives us strength and joy. 

Defenders of Marriage

Today it seems that marriage is constantly attacked and ridiculed.  Celebrities are idolized for having children and adopting children outside of marriage.  People are living together before marriage and getting married at later years, if even at all.  Having children before marriage is so commonplace that shows such as, "16 and Pregnant," are aired on popular channels.  

As Disciples of Jesus Christ, we have covenanted to take upon us the name of Jesus Christ and always remember Him.  What does that entail to take His name upon us?  I think Russell M. Nelson lays it out perfectly in his address to BYU Graduates titled, "Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage."

"The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. Your religion is not just about showing up for church on Sunday. It is about showing up as a true disciple from Sunday morning through Saturday night—24/7! There is no such thing as a 'part-time' disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus invited anyone who wants to be His disciple to take up His cross and follow Him.  Are you ready to join the ranks?"

We can't really call ourselves disciples of Christ if we attend church but don't stick up for what is true and right during the week.  Are we brave enough to be amongst what seems nowadays the minority that believe marriage should be between a man and a woman?  Are we true defenders of Godly marriage, or do we sit amongst the sidelines, hoping that somebody else will be courageous to speak up?

I hope that we can all gain courage and strength to be defenders of our faith and religion.  If we don't have the courage yet, I know that we can pray for help and God will bless us with opportunities to grow.  Nobody is perfect and we are all striving towards Christ-like attributes.  Let's start by sharing our testimonies with our friends and those around us.  Let's let our coworkers and neighbors know that we believe in God and the eternal family.  Let's let our light shine and glorify our Father by being true representatives of Christ.

Let's be defenders of marriage.  We can let our lights shine by working on our own families and making them the best they can be.  I think the best way to be defenders of marriage is to work on your own marriage and make it the strongest and happiest it can be.  Others will see that there is something different about you and want to see what it is.  

Don't Throw Marriage Away

This week in Family 300 we learned about the declining rates of marriage and increasing rates of divorce in America.  Studies have shown that children in single parent homes and divorced homes are more likely to experience problems both emotional, physical, and financial due to the situation of their home life.  It is important to take heed from the prophets on the importance of family life, and that marriage between a father and mother are ideal for children.

A quote that stood out to me during our readings was from the talk “Divorce,” by Elder Dallin H. Oaks.

“Even those who think their spouse is entirely to blame should not act hastily. One study found ‘no evidence that divorce or separation typically made adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage. Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce reported being happily married five years later.’  A woman who persisted in an intolerable marriage for many years until the children were raised explained: ‘There were three parties to our marriage—my husband and I and the Lord. I told myself that if two of us could hang in there, we could hold it together.’”

I think that in this generation we are so used to throwing things away and replacing them with brand new items as a solutions.  For instance, every year a new iPhone model comes out and our old iPhone 4 is thrown away for a better, newer model.  We are the generation that throws things away whenever there is the slightest problem.  However, the quote above reminds us that marriage is not to be taken lightly and cannot be treated as such.  Marriage is a solemn covenant between husband, wife, and God.  We should not run at the first problem or fight.  We need to stick in it for the long haul, and when things are tough we can find hope that things will get better in a few years and that with God’s help through the Atonement, marriages can heal.

Marriage is not for the faint of heart, but for those who stick through the tough times it has the greatest and sweetest rewards.