Dr. John Gottman writer of, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that the antidote to contempt is fondness and admiration. He says that it is possible for your fondness and admiration to recede to barely detectable levels and still be revivable.
The key to doing this? We need to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate in your partner. Then, when you find those positive qualities you need to let your partner know that you recognize them and are grateful for them. They can be small, simple thoughts such as, "thank you for taking out the trash," or, "I appreciate you going to work today."
When we focus on being grateful, there is less room for negativity in our lives.
The key to doing this? We need to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate in your partner. Then, when you find those positive qualities you need to let your partner know that you recognize them and are grateful for them. They can be small, simple thoughts such as, "thank you for taking out the trash," or, "I appreciate you going to work today."
When we focus on being grateful, there is less room for negativity in our lives.
This actually reminds me of something that my mother-in-law has taught me. She told me that when I was going through a really difficult trial in my life, that I needed to add more light into my life. She said that I needed to add all the light I could, and that the more light I added the less room there would be for darkness. That makes sense, right? More light=less dark. Let's apply this to Gottman's theory.
When you add light, or positive thinking and gratitude towards your spouse, there will be less room for darkness, or negative thinking towards your spouse, otherwise known as contempt. Easier said than done right?
What if it is hard for us to find things that we enjoy about our spouse? What if we are past the point of being able to recognize what they are doing right?
Gottman has a 7-week course designed to improve your positive thinking. For every day for the seven weeks, there is a positive thought and you are supposed to rehearse it to yourself throughout the day.
The more you get in the habit of saying these positive things, the more you train your brain to recognize the positive things about your spouse. The more you do this, the more habitual it becomes and you are on your way to appreciating your spouse and increasing your fondness for them.
The more you get in the habit of saying these positive things, the more you train your brain to recognize the positive things about your spouse. The more you do this, the more habitual it becomes and you are on your way to appreciating your spouse and increasing your fondness for them.
I know that it is not always easy to appreciate our spouse and at times it seems like they do nothing right. But I also know that showing gratitude increases love and even saying prayers that Heavenly Father can help us feel love can work miracles.
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