Add More Light

Dr. John Gottman writer of, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that the antidote to contempt is fondness and admiration.  He says that it is possible for your fondness and admiration to recede to barely detectable levels and still be revivable.

The key to doing this?  We need to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate in your partner.  Then, when you find those positive qualities you need to let your partner know that you recognize them and are grateful for them.  They can be small, simple thoughts such as, "thank you for taking out the trash," or, "I appreciate you going to work today."

When we focus on being grateful, there is less room for negativity in our lives.

This actually reminds me of something that my mother-in-law has taught me.  She told me that when I was going through a really difficult trial in my life, that I needed to add more light into my life.  She said that I needed to add all the light I could, and that the more light I added the less room there would be for darkness.  That makes sense, right?  More light=less dark.  Let's apply this to Gottman's theory.

When you add light, or positive thinking and gratitude towards your spouse, there will be less room for darkness, or negative thinking towards your spouse, otherwise known as contempt.  Easier said than done right?

What if it is hard for us to find things that we enjoy about our spouse?  What if we are past the point of being able to recognize what they are doing right?

Gottman has a 7-week course designed to improve your positive thinking.  For every day for the seven weeks, there is a positive thought and you are supposed to rehearse it to yourself throughout the day.

 The more you get in the habit of saying these positive things, the more you train your brain to recognize the positive things about your spouse.  The more you do this, the more habitual it becomes and you are on your way to appreciating your spouse and increasing your fondness for them.

I know that it is not always easy to appreciate our spouse and at times it seems like they do nothing right.  But I also know that showing gratitude increases love and even saying prayers that Heavenly Father can help us feel love can work miracles.

Be a Good Samaritan in your Marriage

How can we have a happy marriage in this day and age when divorce seems to be skyrocketing?  Everywhere we go, it seems that divorce is the answer to all our problems.  If you don't like someone, just divorce them and the problem goes away.  This is not the answer, however, in fact those that divorce often find deeper issues and sorrow after the papers are signed and furniture is divided.

 According to Wallace Goddard, the answer to a happy marriage is to bring Heavenly help into your marriage.  Wallace Goddard gives a beautiful description of the descent of a traveler from Jerusalem to Jericho.  He connects that traveler to each of us, and says that the descent is like the descent from Heaven to hellish trials or paths.

We often fall from Heaven's grace into times of temptation and trial. While on the path to Jericho, this traveler is wounded and injured by thieves.  Many passers come by this man, a priest, a Levite and a Samaritan.  The only one to help the traveler is the Samaritan.

He likens this parable to all of us in our marriages.  Do we look at our spouse and blame them for their errors, saying, "I told you so," or, "You are hurt because you shouldn't have done that?" 

Do we look at the wounded and pass by without helping them because we feel they deserve what was coming for them?

Or do we help them without judgement, serving without any hesitance?  Do we come prepared with oil and wine to heal their wounds and give them aid?

In marriage, there are many situations when you can point fingers and find blame.  However, that only brings contention and resentment.  Contention is of the devil and does not bring harmonious and loving feelings into a marriage.  It is the natural man that wants to say, "I told you so," to their spouse, but what good does that do for either partner?  It leaves both spouses feeling hurt and empty.

Rather than judging and seeking blame, or deciding whether someone "deserves" aid, be like the good Samaritan and simply rescue your spouse.  Come prepared with an open heart and open arms to your partner and say, "How can I help you?"

Marriage is not about keeping tallies or scores of who did what or getting even with each other.  That is not how Christ designed marriages to be and not how He would have them.  Happiness is most likely to occur when we serve each other and have pure Christ-like charity towards one another without thought of recognition or repayment.

Contract vs. Covenant

What is the difference between a Covenant marriage and a contractual marriage?

Bruce C. Hafen describes the difference in his talk, "Covenant Marriage."

"Another bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, 'Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!' 'Yes,' replied her mother, 'but at which end?' When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."

Covenant marriages are long suffering, charitable, eternal, forgiving, selfless, and loving.  Contractual marriages are selfish, "till death do us part."  Or it seems to be more like, "till problems do us part," in this day and age.  Marriages are easier to end than ever before now thanks to no fault divorce laws.  All a couple has to do is say they are no longer in love or they are just no longer compatible with their partner.  Covenant marriages work through problems and grow closer together through trials.  Contractual marriages flee at the first sight of any dysfunction.

Bruce C. Hafen also describes the beautiful example of Christ versus the hireling watching over a flock of sheep.  A hireling is exactly what it sounds like, someone who was hired to watch over a flock of sheep.  They have no attachments to the flock, no emotional ties.  They are simply doing a job for payment.  When a wolf comes to the flock, how likely do you think it is that the hireling would flee?  I would bet very likely.  They wouldn't risk their life for just a job.  Christ on the other hand would lay his life down just for one sheep.  He would leave the whole flock to find one lost sheep and bring it back to the fold.  Much like the hireling, contractual marriages flee when the wolves come.  Covenant marriages are patterned after Christ, they sacrifice and lay down their lives so to speak for the one sheep, or their spouse.  Wolves may come, and when they do, they stick together and turn to God for strength in their marriage.

I want my marriage to be patterned after Christ's example of watching over the flock of sheep.  I want to be selfless in my marriage and think of my husband and his needs above my own.  When the wolves come, and they certainly do, I want to be fortified with the power of God through our covenants we made in the temple.  I think we can fortify our home through temple attendance, family prayer, family home evening, and other such activities that will bring a spirit of Christ into our marriage.

Wolves definitely come, it is not a question it is a part of life here on earth.  However, we can seek strength and protection at the temple.  I love going to the temple with my husband because the spirit there is so sweet and we can renew our sacred covenants we made on our wedding day.  Going to the temple gives us strength and joy. 

Defenders of Marriage

Today it seems that marriage is constantly attacked and ridiculed.  Celebrities are idolized for having children and adopting children outside of marriage.  People are living together before marriage and getting married at later years, if even at all.  Having children before marriage is so commonplace that shows such as, "16 and Pregnant," are aired on popular channels.  

As Disciples of Jesus Christ, we have covenanted to take upon us the name of Jesus Christ and always remember Him.  What does that entail to take His name upon us?  I think Russell M. Nelson lays it out perfectly in his address to BYU Graduates titled, "Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage."

"The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. Your religion is not just about showing up for church on Sunday. It is about showing up as a true disciple from Sunday morning through Saturday night—24/7! There is no such thing as a 'part-time' disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus invited anyone who wants to be His disciple to take up His cross and follow Him.  Are you ready to join the ranks?"

We can't really call ourselves disciples of Christ if we attend church but don't stick up for what is true and right during the week.  Are we brave enough to be amongst what seems nowadays the minority that believe marriage should be between a man and a woman?  Are we true defenders of Godly marriage, or do we sit amongst the sidelines, hoping that somebody else will be courageous to speak up?

I hope that we can all gain courage and strength to be defenders of our faith and religion.  If we don't have the courage yet, I know that we can pray for help and God will bless us with opportunities to grow.  Nobody is perfect and we are all striving towards Christ-like attributes.  Let's start by sharing our testimonies with our friends and those around us.  Let's let our coworkers and neighbors know that we believe in God and the eternal family.  Let's let our light shine and glorify our Father by being true representatives of Christ.

Let's be defenders of marriage.  We can let our lights shine by working on our own families and making them the best they can be.  I think the best way to be defenders of marriage is to work on your own marriage and make it the strongest and happiest it can be.  Others will see that there is something different about you and want to see what it is.  

Don't Throw Marriage Away

This week in Family 300 we learned about the declining rates of marriage and increasing rates of divorce in America.  Studies have shown that children in single parent homes and divorced homes are more likely to experience problems both emotional, physical, and financial due to the situation of their home life.  It is important to take heed from the prophets on the importance of family life, and that marriage between a father and mother are ideal for children.

A quote that stood out to me during our readings was from the talk “Divorce,” by Elder Dallin H. Oaks.

“Even those who think their spouse is entirely to blame should not act hastily. One study found ‘no evidence that divorce or separation typically made adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage. Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce reported being happily married five years later.’  A woman who persisted in an intolerable marriage for many years until the children were raised explained: ‘There were three parties to our marriage—my husband and I and the Lord. I told myself that if two of us could hang in there, we could hold it together.’”

I think that in this generation we are so used to throwing things away and replacing them with brand new items as a solutions.  For instance, every year a new iPhone model comes out and our old iPhone 4 is thrown away for a better, newer model.  We are the generation that throws things away whenever there is the slightest problem.  However, the quote above reminds us that marriage is not to be taken lightly and cannot be treated as such.  Marriage is a solemn covenant between husband, wife, and God.  We should not run at the first problem or fight.  We need to stick in it for the long haul, and when things are tough we can find hope that things will get better in a few years and that with God’s help through the Atonement, marriages can heal.

Marriage is not for the faint of heart, but for those who stick through the tough times it has the greatest and sweetest rewards.